if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
