Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
