Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
