I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
