I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
oh god the rape fog is back!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize