Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
