Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
