When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
