my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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