Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
