susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
