LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
