Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
NoShamevember. You game?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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