How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
