do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
