dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
