That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Welp...herpes.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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