I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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