Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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