you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Boobs speak an international language.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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