I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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