i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
