there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
