Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
