we made out on top of his cat.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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