Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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