Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
