____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
