Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
