Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
