I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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