i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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