I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think my vagina is haunted
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You can't just leave with hair like that
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
