I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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