Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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