Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
