When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Vodka?
Forever.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
