YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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