I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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