If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
