you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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