1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Randomize
