Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Boobs speak an international language.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
