My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
