just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
