What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
