I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
