When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
