You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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