ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
