Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
