Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
