I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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