after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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