you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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