the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
