My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
