the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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