Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
