Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
